It finally hit me today. I am the guy who is going to make me happy or not happy. I am no longer going to let the world lead me on and let others be the one to determine how I feel or dictate how I should feel. I am sick and tired of being depressed or pissed off.
For too long I have done what is expected of me or what I thought others expect of me. As you know the last couple of years for me have been generally crappy. But no more. I stayed in jobs or took jobs that were not making me happy, but were what I thought was expected of me.
Today I stop worrying about things that I have no control over. I have been giving advise to others for ages now, but never listening to that advise myself. Not to toot my own horn, but damn some of that advise is damn good advise. The most important piece that I have always given to others that I have been teaching or coaching or whatever is "not to worry about gravity". In essence, can I control gravity? No of course I can't so why worry about it. Situations like that will have an outcome of their own. No matter what I do about them, they will not change, so don't worry about it. Other things that I do have control over, exert that control and "take" control of that situation. Don't let it control you. I have worried about the gravity issues for too long and let the other issues that I have control over, control me. Well, that changes.
I have been pining about my failed marriage for a while now. I (we) tried to make it work and it didn't. It was more of a one sided decision, but no more. I have (basically) come to terms with it. Nothing is going to change this situation, so why am I letting it get me down and make me all pissed off? I need to move on. Sure I have made mistakes, I am willing to admit that, but I am also not willing to believe that it was all my doing that lead us down this road. As the oft used cliche goes, "it takes 2 to tango", although I guess in this case if we were tangoing things might have worked :)
Anyways. I have been so down on myself lately and I don't think I should be. My best buds (Carla and Raj) have both given me shit about being overly hard on myself. And just as I wasn't listening to myself, the other 2 people that I should take the advise of, I have also not been listening too. You know, I am not such a bad guy. I am not the best looking guy around, but I am also not the ugliest. Ok I have a few pounds to shed, but I am working on that. I like to think that I am somewhat intelligent (although I am not above doing dumbass things every once in a while). I also like to think that my personality isn't all that bad and that I am at least a bit humorous and interesting to talk to. I have a beautiful daughter, a loving family and some great friends (who really fall in to the family category). I have a job that for the most part, I like (its work, who in their right mind would rather do work than have fun? Unless of course your work is playing games, right Raj? :) I could be a lot worse off. Hell, if I had stayed at McPukes or Worst Buy I am sure that I would have been dead by now.
I have finally opened my eyes. I am the guy that is in control. I need to build my confidence and stop worrying about what others think. I realize it is really easy to say all these things. But if I keep working on it and keep telling myself these things it will be like a self fulfilling prophecy.
Today I start doing things for me. Just recently I started getting back into photography. I had loved taking pictures in the past. Why the hell did I stop? I don't know. Why the hell did I stop doing a lot of things that I liked doing? I don't have that answer. I do however, know how I am going to fix it though. I am going to start doing the things that use to give me joy. Taking pictures, listening to music, hanging out with friends and a multitude of other things that I am sure that I will enjoy but haven't tried yet :)
I think I have rambled on for long enough now.
Oh, something else I discovered today, my car doesn't start shaking until it gets over 160 kph! :)
