I am now feeling much better and at the same time much worse now that this day has come to a conclusion. Today was the day my Sister-in-Law was wed. It was a nice service (ie SHORT), however, the bad thing about it was that it was precided over by the same minister that married me. And we all know how that is sitting now. The service was very similar to the one we had. It also stirred up a lot of emotions in me that I had thought were gone or at least buried deep enough to not matter. Apparently the scar tissue is not yet think enough. Had a bit of a meltdown myself after the service and had to go for a walk.
I wasn't too fond of going to this wedding in the first place. Had Sarah not been the flower girl and attending I probably would have blown off the whole thing. As it is, my sister-in-law specifically told me she definately wanted me there and I definately could not disappoint Sarah, which of course is the main reason I was going. After the service I was pretty much ok until the speeches and stuff. Then it really started to hit home. Things really are over. Not that there was a snowball's chance in hell that I would give the ex-wife a chance to rip my heart out again. No fucking way!!!!!!! Been down that road too many times already. Sometimes I wonder if I am a glutton for punishment. But that is a whole other story. Or maybe I am just too afraid of being alone that I will allow myself to be pushed around, walked over and basically have my self completely swallowed.
I guess the thing I miss most about having a wife, is the companionship. Someone there who will listen and just be one on your side. Not that I had felt that in a while, but you know what I mean.
I have just run out of things to say. Emotionally and mentally I am completely drained. I really need time away from everything. Thank god that next weekend I am going away. I really really need it.
But thats it for now. Although my thoughts have not been completely express...I have just run out of...words, feelings, whatever.
Have a great night. Talk to whoever later.
